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You can not love your children the same
20-11-2018 17:18

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And you, who do you prefer? Your daddy or your mom?
The children - at least those who did not manage to escape by proclaiming: "I prefer chocolate! "- rarely forget the anguish and guilt provoked by these falsely innocent questions, posed generally in the sweetest tone possible by adults as sadistic as they are disrespectful of their person. Becoming parents, they sometimes find their echo on the couch of the psychoanalyst when they try to identify and understand the links that unite them to their children.
"Do I like all my children so much? Do I like them all "the same"? Are all nagging questions that can ravage their lives. Why do these questions weigh on some parents of such a weight? The answer is to be found, for many of them, in their history. The adult who has seen, as a child, his parents play indefinitely the game of "differences" and "preferences" can not calmly consider the question of the love he gives to his children. And the same goes for one who, all his childhood, loved - or hated - exclusively one of his parents.
Source: Speedy Essay Top University of UK
But in the way of apprehending the relation to the child, the personal history is not alone in question. The parents who approach it are indeed, without knowing it, prisoners of the reductive vision that our society of the link parent-children.
A unique bond with each child
To speak of this link, in fact, having to characterize it only the vague notion of love, amounts to denying its complexity. However, the bond to one's child is among the most complex that an adult can weave. For two reasons. First, because it is for him the place of all the "projections", all the "rehearsals", all the more difficult to spot that they often refer to very archaic periods of its history. In the relationship with his child - near if any of his relatives - the adult often unconsciously finds what was the essence of the most important attachments, the most intimate and the most hidden of his childhood, the trace of the first "others" of his life who shaped his mind as well as his sensitivity and his body.
But the complexity of the parent-child bond is not just about fantasies. It is also about reality. To love one's children is to feel particular and particularly strong feelings, not for a single "object" - as in the case of a lover, a mistress, a father or a mother - but for many. What's more, perfectly different from each other. No child, in fact, is like his brother or sister. And it is probably to forget it - because it is not easy to live - that the adult groups so often his offspring under the generic name "my children", which allows him to put everyone " in the same bag ".
In fact, and even if the parent does not realize it, the bond that he weaves with each of them is each time singular, unique. Its characteristics vary first according to the sex of the "beloved". The bond that unites a mother to her teenage daughter is not the same as that which binds her to the son with whom she discovers the difficulties of "being a boy" ... This link also varies according to the age of the child. child - we do not like in the same way a big guy of 25 years old and a little boy of 18 months - but also of his personality, his character, of which each line is tied in a certain way with each of the traits from that of each parent and is the backdrop to a particular relationship each time.
But in the "parent-child" couple, the differences are also in the parents' camp. Françoise Dolto often said it: children of the same siblings do not all have the same parents. Why? Because everyone is coming to a particular moment in the life of their father and mother. The woman who gives birth at age 35 to her third child is no longer the one who, at age 18, gave birth to her first child. How can one imagine that it can weave with one and the other similar bands?
Like how?
Reducing, the vision in terms of love is also dangerous because it leads to posing the problem in quantitative terms: a little? a lot? passionately? This conception in the form of a balance weighs on both the parents, in whom it opens the door to all guilt, and on the children who, feeling this guilt, "titillate" often: "Of course, it is always me that you yell, you do not love me! And can, therefore, become bogged down in a state of permanent claim and dissatisfaction.
So we should go from "quantitative" to "qualitative", not ask "how much" we like - question to which it is impossible to answer - but "how" we like. And admit that we do not like "the same" all his children. Which does not mean that we like them "more" or "less", but only that we like them "differently". Which is, moreover, the case of all our objects of love. For example, we have very strong feelings for all the friends closest to us. They are, therefore "tied" for the "amount" of love we give them. But the "quality" of each link differs. We love Mary for her enveloping sweetness, Pierre, for her invigorating energy, and so on. Loves are like songs. They do not all have the same words, not all the same music ...
Are these relationship differences harmful to children? Never. First, because one can - and one must - if necessary to report to them: "I shop with your sister because she is 16 years old and she loves clothes. With you, I play Lego because that's what interests you. You are not her. It's not you. And above all, because these differences, far from being a factor of difficulties, constitute on the contrary an essential contribution.
Structuring differences
To be put by his parents in a particular place, which takes into account his age, sex, and personality, and to know that it is for this singularity that he is loved, is for the child a fundamental factor of individuation, and thus structuring. It is because a child is perceived - and feels loved - by his parents as "one" and unique that he can recognize himself as such, accept his singularity and become aware of his value. Parents who, obsessed by the fear that their children will feel a sense of abandonment or jealousy, put them all in the name of "equality" on the same level; who, at the time of the birthday of one, also offer a gift to the other or never allow themselves a moment of intimacy with one of them; these parents do not make the happiness of their children but their misfortune, because they block the path of individuation. The love a child needs should not be defined by quantity, but by quality.
To the child's question: "How much do you love me? The adult should always be able to answer: "I do not know how big I love you. But what I do know is that I try to love you in such a way that it helps you to succeed in your life. "
Have a favorite
If it is normal to love differently all your children, you have to wonder when the attraction, the complicity are too strong. When one is not only moved by a child but fascinated by it. When the attachment is too exclusive.
Why worry?
• First, because this type of link is often unconsciously incestuous.
• Secondly, because it harms other siblings, who are confronted with the spectacle of the passion that their father or mother feels for their brother or sister when they feel lukewarm.
• Finally, because it is always a duped market.
The child is not loved for himself, but for what the parent finds in him: an old connection, a part of himself, a dream image of what he wants to be. This "narcissistic" love does not help the child to grow up, and can even be dangerous for him, since he himself, feeling what he represents for the adult, risks alienating himself. And to discover later, on the couch of a psychoanalyst, that it was not the love of music that led him to become a musician, but the pleasure this project brought to his father.
Testimony
Sophie, 39: "I was wondering if I could love him as much as his brother"
"Last year, my youngest son, Matthew, came to my room and asked me," Antoine said it was your favorite, is not it? "I was stunned. First, because I am an only girl ...
Then, because I did not imagine that two children pampered and loved like they could have this kind of interrogation. And finally, because Matthew had just put a violent word - "favorite" - on what I always avoided to unravel in me. I called her brother, told them that I did not have a favorite child and that I loved each one of them for what they were, each with their differences. They resumed their game as if nothing had happened, but me, I was upset, because I do not know if "favorite" is the right word, but my love for Antoine is particular. The second I held him in my arms, I felt a bond between us of an incredible force, a real tidal wave. Everything he is and does touch me, his sensitivity, his grace, his words.
On the other hand, the reactions of Matthew, his character, seem to be further from me. I do not think I treat them differently, but I have more patience with Antoine, I find it easier for him to apologize. While being pregnant with Matthew, I was very anxious, I wondered if I was going to be able to like it as much as Antoine. Today, deep within me, I know that Antoine's place in my heart is unique, but it makes me feel too guilty to consider admitting that I love one of my sons more than the other. "
 
20-11-2018 17:19

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Speedy đã viết:
And you, who do you prefer? Your daddy or your mom?
The children - at least those who did not manage to escape by proclaiming: "I prefer chocolate! "- rarely forget the anguish and guilt provoked by these falsely innocent questions, posed generally in the sweetest tone possible by adults as sadistic as they are disrespectful of their person. Becoming parents, they sometimes find their echo on the couch of the psychoanalyst when they try to identify and understand the links that unite them to their children.
"Do I like all my children so much? Do I like them all "the same"? Are all nagging questions that can ravage their lives. Why do these questions weigh on some parents of such a weight? The answer is to be found, for many of them, in their history. The adult who has seen, as a child, his parents play indefinitely the game of "differences" and "preferences" can not calmly consider the question of the love he gives to his children. And the same goes for one who, all his childhood, loved - or hated - exclusively one of his parents.
Source: Speedy Essay Top University of UK
But in the way of apprehending the relation to the child, the personal history is not alone in question. The parents who approach it are indeed, without knowing it, prisoners of the reductive vision that our society of the link parent-children.
A unique bond with each child
To speak of this link, in fact, having to characterize it only the vague notion of love, amounts to denying its complexity. However, the bond to one's child is among the most complex that an adult can weave. For two reasons. First, because it is for him the place of all the "projections", all the "rehearsals", all the more difficult to spot that they often refer to very archaic periods of its history. In the relationship with his child - near if any of his relatives - the adult often unconsciously finds what was the essence of the most important attachments, the most intimate and the most hidden of his childhood, the trace of the first "others" of his life who shaped his mind as well as his sensitivity and his body.
But the complexity of the parent-child bond is not just about fantasies. It is also about reality. To love one's children is to feel particular and particularly strong feelings, not for a single "object" - as in the case of a lover, a mistress, a father or a mother - but for many. What's more, perfectly different from each other. No child, in fact, is like his brother or sister. And it is probably to forget it - because it is not easy to live - that the adult groups so often his offspring under the generic name "my children", which allows him to put everyone " in the same bag ".
In fact, and even if the parent does not realize it, the bond that he weaves with each of them is each time singular, unique. Its characteristics vary first according to the sex of the "beloved". The bond that unites a mother to her teenage daughter is not the same as that which binds her to the son with whom she discovers the difficulties of "being a boy" ... This link also varies according to the age of the child. child - we do not like in the same way a big guy of 25 years old and a little boy of 18 months - but also of his personality, his character, of which each line is tied in a certain way with each of the traits from that of each parent and is the backdrop to a particular relationship each time.
But in the "parent-child" couple, the differences are also in the parents' camp. Françoise Dolto often said it: children of the same siblings do not all have the same parents. Why? Because everyone is coming to a particular moment in the life of their father and mother. The woman who gives birth at age 35 to her third child is no longer the one who, at age 18, gave birth to her first child. How can one imagine that it can weave with one and the other similar bands?
Like how?
Reducing, the vision in terms of love is also dangerous because it leads to posing the problem in quantitative terms: a little? a lot? passionately? This conception in the form of a balance weighs on both the parents, in whom it opens the door to all guilt, and on the children who, feeling this guilt, "titillate" often: "Of course, it is always me that you yell, you do not love me! And can, therefore, become bogged down in a state of permanent claim and dissatisfaction.
So we should go from "quantitative" to "qualitative", not ask "how much" we like - question to which it is impossible to answer - but "how" we like. And admit that we do not like "the same" all his children. Which does not mean that we like them "more" or "less", but only that we like them "differently". Which is, moreover, the case of all our objects of love. For example, we have very strong feelings for all the friends closest to us. They are, therefore "tied" for the "amount" of love we give them. But the "quality" of each link differs. We love Mary for her enveloping sweetness, Pierre, for her invigorating energy, and so on. Loves are like songs. They do not all have the same words, not all the same music ...
Are these relationship differences harmful to children? Never. First, because one can - and one must - if necessary to report to them: "I shop with your sister because she is 16 years old and she loves clothes. With you, I play Lego because that's what interests you. You are not her. It's not you. And above all, because these differences, far from being a factor of difficulties, constitute on the contrary an essential contribution.
Structuring differences
To be put by his parents in a particular place, which takes into account his age, sex, and personality, and to know that it is for this singularity that he is loved, is for the child a fundamental factor of individuation, and thus structuring. It is because a child is perceived - and feels loved - by his parents as "one" and unique that he can recognize himself as such, accept his singularity and become aware of his value. Parents who, obsessed by the fear that their children will feel a sense of abandonment or jealousy, put them all in the name of "equality" on the same level; who, at the time of the birthday of one, also offer a gift to the other or never allow themselves a moment of intimacy with one of them; these parents do not make the happiness of their children but their misfortune, because they block the path of individuation. The love a child needs should not be defined by quantity, but by quality.
To the child's question: "How much do you love me? The adult should always be able to answer: "I do not know how big I love you. But what I do know is that I try to love you in such a way that it helps you to succeed in your life. "
Have a favorite
If it is normal to love differently all your children, you have to wonder when the attraction, the complicity are too strong. When one is not only moved by a child but fascinated by it. When the attachment is too exclusive.
Why worry?
• First, because this type of link is often unconsciously incestuous.
• Secondly, because it harms other siblings, who are confronted with the spectacle of the passion that their father or mother feels for their brother or sister when they feel lukewarm.
• Finally, because it is always a duped market.
The child is not loved for himself, but for what the parent finds in him: an old connection, a part of himself, a dream image of what he wants to be. This "narcissistic" love does not help the child to grow up, and can even be dangerous for him, since he himself, feeling what he represents for the adult, risks alienating himself. And to discover later, on the couch of a psychoanalyst, that it was not the love of music that led him to become a musician, but the pleasure this project brought to his father.
Testimony
Sophie, 39: "I was wondering if I could love him as much as his brother"
"Last year, my youngest son, Matthew, came to my room and asked me," Antoine said it was your favorite, is not it? "I was stunned. First, because I am an only girl ...
Then, because I did not imagine that two children pampered and loved like they could have this kind of interrogation. And finally, because Matthew had just put a violent word - "favorite" - on what I always avoided to unravel in me. I called her brother, told them that I did not have a favorite child and that I loved each one of them for what they were, each with their differences. They resumed their game as if nothing had happened, but me, I was upset, because I do not know if "favorite" is the right word, but my love for Antoine is particular. The second I held him in my arms, I felt a bond between us of an incredible force, a real tidal wave. Everything he is and does touch me, his sensitivity, his grace, his words.
On the other hand, the reactions of Matthew, his character, seem to be further from me. I do not think I treat them differently, but I have more patience with Antoine, I find it easier for him to apologize. While being pregnant with Matthew, I was very anxious, I wondered if I was going to be able to like it as much as Antoine. Today, deep within me, I know that Antoine's place in my heart is unique, but it makes me feel too guilty to consider admitting that I love one of my sons more than the other. "
 
13-02-2019 21:15

LouannRWeth

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Gia nhập: 13.02.19
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You have wrote very well essay. I think you can win any essay competition easily. I am working in resume service reviews and we need professional essay writer like you. You can send your resume to our gmail and i am sure we will accept you. I will share your essay with my boss for sure.
 
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